Your wife wishes you to purchase a new rifle? Allow me congratulate you on marrying such an intelligent and insightful woman! My wife… not so much.

However to the uninitiated, purchasing a firearm for one’s spouse is fraught with hidden dangers. Before embarking on such an undertaking the smart husband will consult with an expert. In this case, ah hem.. me.

One might be tempted to believe that a wife’s desire for a new rifle is all a man could wish for.

Not so fast.

The true enthusiast will ask himself “How do I turn my wife’s desire for the new rifle SHE wants into the rifle I want.”

As mentioned in your article, we must first define sexy. You are correct Bill, a lever action rifle is very sexy. A wife who WANTS her husband to buy a new rifle is the DEFINITION of Sexy!

Next we must define expensive.  A new Marlin might cost 7 or 8 hundred dollars. A vintage Marlin might cost twice that. But a vintage Marlin is an INVESTMENT (More on that later).

Follow these simple steps and your wife will get the rifle she REALLY wants.

Ideally find the rifle YOU want. Perhaps an investment grade, vintage Marlin or Winchester in in the calibre YOU want.

Next, buy the rifle.

With much fanfare and ribbon cutting, present the rifle to your lovely wife, beaming with anticipation as she opens the package (NOTE: Be sure to beam).

Upon opening the package your lovely wife will certainly  express her disappointment, “You bought me an OLD gun?” and her outrage “This OLD gun cost HOW MUCH?!!

Immediately, don the mask of shocked, hurt feelings (Find your motivation here, you are grievously wounded). You only bought the over one hundred year old rifle as a symbol of your undying love. After all diamonds are millions of years old. Does a woman scorn getting an old rock, because it COSTS too much?
(NOTE: do not attempt this analogy if one has not actually purchased a diamond for ones wife in the past).

Finally, and for most men this is the hard part…APOLOGISE!

Explain that you are sorry. Sorry that all the time and care you put into choosing just the right rifle for her went so horribly wrong. Tell her you will try to make it up to her. Insist that you must sell the rifle  immediately… probably at a profit because the vintage rifle is such a shrewd investment. Dejectedly mention that you will probably only realise a fraction of the profit the rifle will return in just a few years.

Be Firm: The important thing is that she must be happy with the new rifle that SHE wants… rather than your thoughtful gift.

At this point sigh theatrically (don’t over do it) slump your shoulders in hurt resignation and leave the room.

Now for the hard part, this will test your resolve. How bad do you.. er,  I mean your lovely wife, want that rifle! You must go outside (this time of year is perfect because the temperature is like single digits) and set upon some distasteful task. Choose a task like yard work or fixing something on the house. Even though you have been neglecting this task for months, within the context of the subject at hand, it will demonstrate the:

  • Guilt and pain you feel for buying the wrong thoughtful gift.
  • The routine hard work you put into the:
    1. Marriage
    2. Kids
    3. Home

How could she be so heartless?

Make sure to stay outside until your face is red and you nose is runny.

Meekly enter the house as if you are ashamed that the brutal weather conditions drove you from your outdoor mission to make your family’s home into a more beautiful and better place.

Plaintively explain that you will go back to work outside as soon as your hands thaw enough to work the pipe wrench.

Following the best case scenario,  by this point your wife should be cradling the rifle and crying. She will exclaim that she did not realise the amount of care and expense you put into finding just the right rifle for her! She loves the rifle and wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING! Your spouse might even ask how she can make up for her thoughtlessness? The true operator can par lay this situation into:

  1. Special food.
  2. More “ME” time in front of the TV, hunting, etc.
  3. More frequent and special bedroom activities.

You get my point. If the above fails, and remember this IS an advanced technique. One must be prepared to fall back on plan B:

  1. Spend the week sleeping on the couch.
  2. Promise to sell the gun immediately then explain that in this economy it is difficult to find a buyer willing to pay what the gun is REALLY worth.
  3. Keep the gun out of sight while continuing the stream of excuses for why the gun hasn’t sold.

Continue to stall indefinitely. Soon you will do something so egregious, that if your wife doesn’t actually forget about the rifle (she won’t), at least the subject will move to the back burner.

CAUTION: Be prepared to hear about the ugly, expensive rifle for many, many years. The half life of an angry wife’s memory is roughly twice that of uranium.

The willingness to initiate plan B is what separates the true enthusiast from the fair weather shooter/collector.

At any rate, following these careful steps will ensure your lovely wife will enjoy years of shooting pleasure from the rifle you’ve always wanted.

The Lum.

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